I'm not there yet!

Hello! Let me introduce myself and a little bit about what I am all about. I am just a month away from the *dunt dunt duuuuunt* dreaded 30's. Yes, that's right, I typed it. Haven't really gotten around to actually saying it yet; but it's a step. And as I approach this milestone in my life I am starting to realize that what I envisioned my life to be, is NOTHING that it is. And those dreams that I put off until another day, probably won't happen.

I was Miss Goody Goody in high school. You know the one that has the good grades and the goody goody friends and tries to be involved in and excel in *rolls eyes* everything; with one exception, sports. Sports and P.E. terrified me!! The thought of anything that involved me in shorts, terrified me. I was a bit 'chunky' to say the least. Okay fine, I was fat. And I'm not talking that teenage girl fat. I am talking big as a truck, 300lb fat. If I had any pictures I would show you, but I burned them. Well, an ex burned them, but that is a totally different story for a totally different day. (maybe) However, I didn't try to let my never ending booty get me down. *pun intended* I had friends . . a lot of friends. A few REAL friends. And they were my world. The 'fearsome 5'. Which thinking about it now, the name doesn't really make much sense. Maybe if we were the 'fearless 5' or 'fear butt kicking 5', now that would be cool. 'cool beans' We did everything together. So there was the 5 and of course my music. Saxophone was a release and when I sang, I could loose myself for hours in another world. I was told I would sing at the Met one day. And I believed it. It was my destiny. I had the scholarships and the drive . . . I was going to be big . . . bigger than big. In more ways than one! ;)

Until I met . . him. I blame him for my downfall in just about everything that I did. I blame him for making me give up school, and my sax, and my dreams. But I always went back to him. He was smooth and stylish and made me feel sexy. For once in my life the chunky girl felt sexy. He was fun. I was no longer Miss Goody Goody and it felt gooood! He helped me loose weight. A LOT of weight. And he constantly encouraged me to keep it off. I mean I was a much cheaper date at 90 lbs than I was at 300. (Yup, 90) We had a love and hate thing going on. He loved to help me fail. I would get lost in him. We would fight and I would swear I was done and then I would go back. He took every penny I had and every penny my significant others had as well. It wasn't all his fault. I mean he didn't force himself on me. Jack, Jose, and ohhh Captain. I fell into their trance willingly.

Everything in life is a snowball effect. And all my acts good and bad led me to him.

The little punk guy that came to me asking for a job. He was tall, skinny and tattooed. The exact opposite of EVERYTHING I had ever pictured as a potential mate. And I was hooked! Those green eyes, that perfectly 'not so perfect' smile. His walk, his talk. *sigh* I was 23 . . . he was 19. (almost 20 . . and I was almost 24) He was it for me. The end all, be all of everything. He had our fun and he stuck with me through some tough, tough business. He swore he would never leave, and he didn't. He loved me for me.

Six years later, five years of marriage, three beautiful children and many, many jean sizes later; he is still here! And he thinks my curves are still amazing. He is supportive and comforting. We have our moments, the bad and the ones that shine like the sun. Just like every couple there are those days when I wonder . . .

"How did I get so lucky?"

Life is hard. We are on a path to have our oldest diagnosed for possible Sensory Integration Dysfunction or Autism. Our middle is a little spit fire and spirited little girl, and our little 'uh oh' is the most jolly little guy you have ever seen.

With all the joy there is still a ton of stress. My husband plays WoW. This I hate. It is his other woman. So, I joined roller derby. Yup, the fat girl that was too scared to put on gym shorts and only skated once in her life; poorly at that, is now training for a sport. And it feels AMAZING!!! I am already in love. There will be much more on that to come. I promise.

So where is this post headed . . .

I may never graduate college. I probably won't be a music teacher, or hit it big on Broadway. I will never be a veterinarian, flare bartender, actress, pastry chef, or any of the other forty BIG ideas that I had. I will never learn to swim. I will never fit in my skinniest of skinny jeans. And the older I become the more and more unlikely it becomes that I will turn any heads as I stroll down the street. However, I will sing to my children everyday. Some day I will go to New York and stand on Broadway and sing at the top of my lungs. I will love my husband's midget/cow/cat of a dog. I will enjoy a beverage and shake it up for my hubby. I will bake and make some of the cutest birthday cakes you will EVER see. I will be sexy in any size. And although I may not turn heads walking down the street, I will believe that it is because of the double stroller full of screaming children and the red-headed 3 year old running in toe, not because I don't have a killer booty.

I will never learn to swim.

With all the 'should of' and 'could of''s of my life. I am finding day by day that I am actually . . . . .

happy

amazingly in love

and

a little crazy.

Welcome to a manic mommy's mid life madness!!